Things you might not know about Peter

Peter's favorite nickname? Little Miss Junior

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Peter has actually said to us: I don't like to talk about my personal life on the vlog.


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Peter's comedic goal? The Henry Moment.

But what is the Henry Moment?

Do you remember Peter's New York vlogs? One afternoon, between shooting locations, tpjvfb took the subway with Peter from lower Manhattan to Prospect Park. On the train, Peter met a precocious boy named Henry.

Henry was fresh from karate class with his friend and a nanny in tow. When he boarded the train, he walked up to Peter, said "Excuse me," and plopped down in the seat next to him.

Peter said a few polite words to Henry, and soon the two were carrying on like old friends. The two had what Hollywood types refer to as "chemistry."

The nanny sensed this, for she had no reservations about this strange bearded man chatting away to her two charges -- she probably welcomed the break. And although Henry's friend talked some, too, Henry kept interrupting, for he was the star -- much like we imagine Peter was at Henry's age (about seven or eight).

As our train rocketed beneath the city, Peter questioned Henry about his likes and dislikes, his reading habits, his friends and his classes at school. The whole subway car listened, rapt.

At one point, Henry claimed he had read a 20,000-page book. Peter called Henry out on his fib, and the boy went silent. Henry was amazed: Peter, it seemed, could read his mind. Everybody, even a couple of roughnecks who sat across from us -- stone-faced behind dark glasses -- started laughing.

Since then, Peter has been on a continual search for the elusive comedy he was a part of that day, his Henry Moment.

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Peter is a Green Bay Packers fan, even though he was born in Minneapolis. However, his father (whom he calls "papa") is a Minnesota Vikings fan, even though he was born in Wisconsin.

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Peter's biological father (yes, Peter is adopted) was an American League umpire, the most hated position in American sports.

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These are just some of the reasons why Peter is a Peter is a Peter is a Peter.

Also:

The last of the TB lake posts--maybe

This is the part of the blog where we give ourselves a big ol' pat on the back.

Regarding what's now being called "The Tommy Bartlett Reverse Tsunami Disaster," tpjvfb beat The Chicago Tribune -- the Midwest's major paper -- to the story by a good 48 hours.

Sam Zell will be buying us -- risk-free and funded by our employees' own pensions -- any day now.

(The above Tribune photo (taken before photojournalists had names) shows Tommy Bartlett/Santa Clause on his first time out on hydra skates.)

Update on the Tommy Bartlett lake

BREAKING NEWS

Well, we were wrong. Lake Denton, home to the world famous Tommy Bartlett Water Show, has indeed, uh, washed away.

From the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel:

Lake Delton near the Dells is essentially empty after the rain-swollen lake cut its own channel around a dam and emptied into the Wisconsin River, taking four homes with it.

The 254-acre lake is the home of the famed Tommy Bartlett Water Show. Tom Diehl, who operates the show and is a trustee for the Village of Lake Delton, said there was nothing but mud where the show is staged every day.

"We haven't had a show since Friday," Diehl said in a telephone interview. "We canceled Saturday and Sunday because of high water," he said. "Today, we're canceling because of no water."

Diehl described the Lake Delton situation as a once in 250-year event. "It dropped inch after inch after inch into the watershed," Diehl said. "Last night the lake went up 20 inches. We started sandbagging trying to protect the dam. But when the water got too high, four homes were lost. It took on a life of its own."

First Brett Favre. Now this. Please send your condolences to Peter. He needs our support.

We don't understand the caption for this Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel photo that's supposed to inform the public about flooding in Wisconsin:

Tommy Baerlett's (sic) ski show is put on hold until the lake is filled back up.

For starters, in Wisconsin you just don't misspell "Tommy Bartlett," let alone in the state's largest newspaper. And how does flooding cause the lake to empty? Unless the emptying of Tommy's private lake for cleaning is the real reason the state is flooded.

Meanwhile, as Peter's favorite water show closes and his homeland is buried in a watery grave, he pokes fun at dioramas and can't recognize Stephen Fuller Austin. (Admittedly, the wallaby crack was a real ripper.)

Way to go, Pete.

Trouble sleeping?

This makes us feel tired.

Why we like Peter

For the second time this week, we're going to quote Sunday's The New York Time Book Review.

In a review of Nicholas Dawidoff's book The Crowd Sounds Happy, critic Sam Stephenson notes how Dawidoff -- who's father went conversing-with-squirrels mad when the author was an infant -- turned to the game of baseball to add security to his life. "With the game's system of making a tangible record of every substantive event," writes Dawidoff, "there was a stability and order to baseball ... It could be known."

A lovely piece. But what made us post is the last paragraph:

Dawidoff writes, “When you are young there is the terrible inability to understand that it’s your deficits that will make others not only like you but feel close to you.” He learned this bit of wisdom, but I’m not sure many other adults have. If they did, then crowds might be happy.

We think this is why we like Peter.

A brief disclosure

We here at the peter johansen vlog fan blog wish to let fans know a bit about the standards employed at this fledging yet necessary blog.

1.) You may notice that occasionally a blog post seems to slightly change. That's probably because the post has slightly changed.

We here at pjvfb occasionally make changes to posts to correct spelling and awkward phrasing or to add information (such as photos and quotes). Example: We recently updated the last post to read: Because the opening title shot, with the aquamarine words AMERICA THE VERY, VERY BEAUTIFUL... A SAMPLE on black background, was so -- how do we put this -- ominous. And ghostly.

It previously read: Because the credits were so -- how do we put this -- ominous. And ghostly.

Why the change? We incorrectly called the opening title "credits."

We consider this a minor correction. More significant changes will be made public.

2.) Much of the blog is fabricated. Vague summaries or paraphrased conversations with Peter pass through our magic factory and become quotations. Sometimes we use actual exact quotes. Opinions expressed may not even be our own. Hopefully, we can all enjoy guessing what is fact and what is fiction.

We will, however, diligently cite sources outside the realm of Peter Johansen.

We may also invent people. Josey5000 of Waco, Texas, for example, probably doesn't exist. But we can't say for sure that a woman in Waco wasn't scouring craigslist for a tea set late one night, stumbled upon Peter's audition ad and esp-mailed us a heads-up. Of course, Peter did tell us ahead of time he was going to post the ad, then immediately contacted tpjvfb when it was up.

What we're saying is this: the only reason we lie is because we don't have real tips or real fans -- besides uncle gerry (God bless him!). So, like democracy, it's up to you the fans/voters to keep us honest. Also, we hit you because we love you.

3.) Mixed metaphors and clunky phrasing are often on purpose. (Send your complaints to Sergeant Vlog. He'll know what to do with them.) But you knew that. Because you are smarter than us.

4.) You the fans are us the fans. Our faults are yours, but not vice versa. Also, our triumphs remain ours.

5.) Most pictures are simply ripped off the Internet without permission. We're so sorry, world. We hope we're not the straw that breaks the global camel's back. (We're hoping catastrophic climate change or teenagers dancing dirty beat us to the punch.) Again, send us legitimate, original photos and we'll post them. Or illegitimate, pirated photos, since we already said we'd post them, too.

6.) We can't always tell when we're kidding. And (as stated earlier) we lie, because according to our ex-girlfriend, we're cowards. (That's actually true.)

To use a golf metaphor, a very good round for Peter

Sorry for the delayed blog post, pjvfb lovers. We were selfishly suffering from pink eye, high humidity and automobile maintenance. Now back to...

Peter.

After a week of utter bullshit, the bitch with the beard is back--and how! We feel like taking off our shirts and painting giant letters on our chests that spell P-E-T-E-R-J-O-H-A-N-D-S-O-M-E.

Did you see that audition tape? And what an a--hole Peter was? Just wasting that guy's time. WASTING. And everybody else's time. Just so we, the fans, can escape this crazy, mixed up world for three minutes and three seconds of vlogging bliss. Is there a way to fight for more vlogs like this? Cause sign me up for another tour, Sergeant Vlog.

Let's all watch the fun right now.

And again.

Once more.

And again.

Last time. Here we go.

Again.

Question: We were we the only ones who thought after we clicked play, Did we actually click play? Because the opening title shot, with the aquamarine words AMERICA THE VERY, VERY BEAUTIFUL... A SAMPLE on black background, was so -- how do we put this -- ominous. And ghostly.

Now, for the comedy highlights.

1:27:00

Peter (to Kenny): Would you mind combing your hair to the right, if we had you do that? Aw, yep. You could do it.

(We're not positive -- and we're having the research staff look into it -- but we think this is the first instance of anyone combining the two words "aw" and "yep." Many an "aw" and "yeah." But an "aw" and "yep"? Feel free to write in!)

1:32:00

Peter: Jill, would you hold this in front of (Kenny's) face while he's wearing that hat. Hold it next to his head.

Guy Riding Peter's Coattails To Stardom: A little closer.

Peter: A little closer... Oh my god.

G.R.P.C.T.S.: This is great.

Peter: That's uncanny.

(We want you to go to a quiet place and just let those lines happen. Don't make them yours. Just be with them. Inhabit the space.)

2:16:00

(Kenny strumming the guitar while making the da-na-na-na-na-na-na bionic sound effect from Six Million Dollar Man. With his mouth.)

Peter: That's awesome. You can definitely be... Colonel Steve Austin. You're the first person we've seen that's actually kind of gotten that. And really done it right. Slow motion da-na-na-na-na-na-na. And do you just do that the whole time?

(Rhetorical question? Or genius set-up?)

Kenny: So I don't really have to play guitar?

(Reel him in, Pete.)

Peter: Oh no. Because if you played you'd be interfering with the band.

2:14:00

Shadowy Villain (demurely): No, I'll still bet on the Sasquatch.

Less lazy than the vlog we write about

Peter phoned in yet another installment of the vlog by simply providing a hyperlink to a craigslist ad that offers aspiring actors, local characters and fans alike a chance to appear on the vlog. Of course, the peter johansen vlog fan blog beat Peter to the punch by posting a link to the ad a good ten hours before it appeared on Peter's own website, thanks to a heads up from a fan in Waco, Texas.

So with Peter phoning it in, we at the tpjvfb thought, Why not phone Peter for the inside scoop on his latest projects?

the peter johansen vlog fan blog: It's ringing...

Peter Johansen: Is that my sandwich?

tpjvfb: Hello, Peter. Is that you?

PJ: I'm pretty sure that's my sandwich. Because Maverick's sandwich didn't have mustard. And this one's got mustard.

tpjvfb: Peter. This is the peter johansen vlog fan blog calling. Is this a bad time?

PJ: Who's calling? Who am I calling?

tpjvfb: No, Peter. We're calling you. We've noticed you've put an ad out on craigslist asking for guests on the vlog. Would you care to comment?

PJ: Comment? Sure I'll comment. I've been working really hard on a lot of projects, and this new direction on the vlog is just one of them. I'm looking for fans, non-fans, celebrities, regular joes -- anyone who's got something to say to the world that relates to me. And the vlog.

tpjvfb: What "other" projects are we talking about here?

PJ: All kinds of stuff. I'm in contact with local cinema people and actors trying to get this piece called "Time Traveling Pilgrims" going. I'm selling one of my amps. All kinds of things.

tpjvfb: What's this "Pilgrim" project about?

PJ: It's been in the works for about a year now. I'm hoping to shoot in August, maybe sooner. It stars me and some other people. I really don't want to explain too much until some more details are nailed down. Needless to say, I'm pretty excited. A lot of good people are going to be working on it. I have a feeling it's going to be really special. I'll keep you guys posted.

tpjvfb: Sounds very promising. Anything else been going on in your life you'd like to talk about?

PJ: Yeah, well, I don't know if you guys out there have noticed, but I've been on a bit of a diet lately.

tpjvfb: You have been vlogging shirtless lately.

PJ: It's a mostly cheese diet. And while I can't say I've dropped a lot of pounds -- I don't weigh myself regularly -- I think the diet's working. I've lost my puffiness. In fact I went swimming today, and I beat a friend in a race. I'm a very strong swimmer.

tpjvfb: You are a very handsome man.

PJ: And that's exactly why I love you fans. Did you guys (at tpjvfb) know that you are the first to penetrate the sanctity of the vlog? Did you know that?

tpjvfb: We're honored. And to be honest, it's easy. You're a very funny man. You've said a lot of funny things today to put on the fan blog.

PJ: Yeah... Too bad there's nothing I can say to put on my blog.

Open call for awesome

BREAKING NEWS

This was just sent in by Josey5000 of Waco, Texas, who while shopping for a secondhand tea set on Craigslist stumbled onto an OPEN CALL for the Peter Johansen vlog.

Josey5000, you may not have had any luck replacing grandma's shattered service, but you've certainly served us up a steaming cup of buzz!

How many lumps? Three or four!

(Editorial note: tpjvfb technicians are scrambling to post a screen shot, but bandwidth is shrinking as the news races across the Net!)

Our mission

In last Sunday's The New York Times Book Review, editors note that author Richard Russo, who reviews a novel in paper, hasn't written for the Book Review in 18 years. Quoted is an email of Mr. Russo, in which he states:

"I don't review books very often, which is odd because I love them. The problem is that I don't have much interest in discussing books I don't like. It takes me four or five years to write a novel, and no matter how much I hate a book, I can't get out of my head the fact that some poor schlemiel worked lovingly on it for a very long time. A movie producer friend of mine once remarked that most people have no idea how hard it is to make even a bad movie, and I feel the same way about novels. I don't dispute that it's somebody's job to blow the whistle on bad books, bad movies, bad art. It's just not mine if I can help it."

Well, friends, it is our job to blow the whistle. And if there are many more posts like tonight's U-G-L-Y, it's going to sound like a hurricane blowing through a bottle factory round here.

Seriously, tonight's vlog precludes any serious critique because in it Peter admits he's simply phoning it in. (Though we ask ourselves: why bother posting then, Peter?) However, the post does allow us to set forth our editorial tone. Our vlog blog exists to admire, respond to and occasionally criticize a great artist. When he disappoints, we will strike. But before injecting all our venom, we'll try to remember Mr. Russo and his movie producer friend, as well as a nice set of boobies and where we hid our pot. For Peter puts his heart and soul into the Peter Johansen vlog, even when it stinks. And what do we do that's so great, besides teach wayward ducks how to migrate and tutor orphans with brain damage?

Not fucking much.

Peter to the rescue!

On-air, Peter Johansen often appears gruff, self-centered and mildly delusional. But in real life, he's a pretty nice guy. In fact just this afternoon, Peter went out of his way to help the peter johansen vlog fan blog along as it took its very first steps in cyberfansville.

TEXT MESSAGE

the peter johansen vlog fan blog: Have you ever had pink eye? We think we have pink eye.

Peter Johansen: Yes. Are your eyes filled with snot? I will call you in a bit.

tpjvfb: OK. Thanks.

END TEXT MESSAGE

In less than an hour, we had PJ on the line.

"My brother's a doctor," Peter said, a fact he often brings up when hitting on women. "And when I was last in New York, I had pink eye for a couple of days. I called (my brother) and he said that you can't really take anything for pink eye. You just have to let it run its course. When I had it, I took a wash cloth soaked in warm water and put it over my eye for five minutes every couple of hours. That seemed to do the trick."

Peter was taking a break from some important meetings, so we couldn't talk long. But we here at tpjvfb are tickled pink that the vlog star made time in his busy schedule to speak with us starstruck -- and conjunctivitus-struck -- fans.

Welcome to the peter johansen vlog fan blog

Hi guys! We're just starting up here so don't mind the mess! But this blog is all about--well you probably guessed it--Awfulstin's most infamous vlogger, Peter Johansen! News, insight and commentary to follow.

We can't wait! And we hope you all can't either!